School of Hard Knocks
Something hit the container with enormous force. Mike had to concentrate to balance the load. He didn’t want to drop the container on the fire fighters below. He hoped he hadn’t run into one of the helicopters or something. He looked around and then down to the ground. There wasn’t any sign of a helicopter. A green and yellow blur came around the container and hit it once more, causing it to tilt again. Along with the blur came a buzzing noise. The buzzing man paused in mid air long enough to look directly at Mike. His eyes were covered with goggles that Mike couldn’t see through, but his lower face was under clear plastic. He gave Mike a smirk, then he was away again, disappearing on the other side of the container. The wings seemed to be part of a harness that the man wore, and the helmet above the goggles had a bullet point that he must have been using to ram the container. Was Tom right? Was this Mike’s first supervillain encounter? He was just trying to help fight the wild fires that had circled L.A. for the last few days. He didn’t need this. The buzzing man wouldn’t give up. He kept hitting the container from different angles. Mike couldn’t carry the container and deal with the crazed attacker at the same time. Mike decided to put the container down. If this guy wanted a fight, he would get one. He flew low over a group of fire trucks and tossed the container on the hillside. He had dressed in his new costume in an alley, behind a dumpster that was being used at a construction site. The dumpster had become his water container, that he planned to use to help fight the fires. He was in the air trying to figure out where the fire fighting helicopters got their water when the buzzing guy attacked. When he turned to face the buzzing man, Mike found another flying figure in the air. This one was orange and red. The new attacker gestured and Mike was bathed in a blast of searing heat. ***** “You’re not ready,” Tom said. “What do you mean?” Mike asked. “I mean you’re not ready,” Tom said. “It’s just a fire, like the last one, only a whole lot bigger.” Mike walked to the window of his hotel suite and looked north towards the mountains. A pall of smoke covered the horizon. The red stain of active wildfires could be seen in several spots as far east and west as he could see. “So what would you do out there?” Tom asked. He was sitting on one of the couches in the main room of the suite. Mike shrugged. “I guess drop water on the fires, like one of the helicopters.” “How are you going to carry a lot of water?” “There must be something big I could use.” “Do you see any other costumed types helping with the fire fighting?” Tom asked. Mike scanned the burning mountains. “That doesn’t mean they aren’t there, it’s a long way from here.” “Look closer.” “Do you have any binoculars or anything?” Mike said, squinting and trying to see any flying figures in the distance. Tom shook his head. “The fire fighters don’t want us there. They made it known years ago that we just get in the way. Anyone flying out there might hit a helicopter or plane. They can’t coordinate properly when too many superdupers are out there who don’t have radios and aren’t part of the overall plan.” “Well what’s the goddamn point in being a superhero if you won’t let me do any superheroing?” Mike shouted. He felt a hot flush of anger in his face. “Whoa, calm down,” Tom said. He stood up. “It’s not fire fighting you aren’t ready for. I’m sure you could put out a square mile or ten without even trying.” “Then what?” “Yin and yang, kid. Heads and tails. Good and evil. There are two sides to everything. Where there are superheroes there are...?” “Supervillains?” “Give the man a prize. You’ve been getting a lot of publicity lately. Don’t you think that there are villains out there who want to take you down before you can get established?” Mike frowned and turned away from the window. “Why would they be after me? I haven’t even fought one yet.” “A preemptive strike. They want to get rid of you before you can defeat them. I can almost guarantee that the next time you go out in costume you’ll have your first fight on your hands.” “I can take ’em,” Mike said with bravado, though inside he doubted himself. He hadn’t been in a fight since sixth grade, when Ben Stegman tried to steal his lunch. He lost both the fight and the food. Tom snorted. “Right,” he said. “You don’t know a thing about fighting, especially in the air. ” Mike didn’t have any argument, so he just glanced down at the carpet. “There’s one other part of superheroing you aren’t ready for,” Tom said. He unclipped his cell phone from a belt holster and dialed a number. “What’s that?” Mike asked. “Andy, bring the car over to the hotel, we’ll meet you in front,” Tom said. Then he closed his phone. “Let’s go for a ride,” he said. ***** The heat hit Mike with a blistering intensity. In an instant he felt like he was being cooked like a Thanksgiving turkey. Mike willed himself up and out of the hot air that came from the orange and red figure. When he hit cooler air he breathed a sigh of relief. It was short lived. The villain was surrounded by a haze of distorted light, like the air above a highway on a hot day. He followed Mike and his wave of heat hit again and again, no matter how Mike tried to avoid it. Then the buzzing sound returned. The first villain, the buzzing man, returned. He started circling Mike and making passes close to him without ever hitting him. Mike tried to turn and twist in the air and keep track of the buzzing man, while also watching for the heat guy. It wasn’t easy, he was either being buzzed or hit with searing heat wherever he moved. The best thing would be to see how fast I can fly and get the hell out of here, Mike thought. No, he decided. I am Sun Man, I don’t run away. ***** The chauffeur kept looking in the rear view mirror. Mike was sure the man was looking at him, not just looking for traffic. The driver seemed to be sizing him up. “You want anything?” Tom asked, pouring whiskey from a bottle into a shot glass. He set the bottle down on the limo’s well stocked bar. “Beer?” Mike said, hardly believing that Tom was going to give him one. Tom leaned forward and opened the door of a tiny refrigerator under the bar. He grabbed a can of beer and tossed it to Mike. Mike popped the tab and took a swig. He tried to look like he was an experienced beer drinker by not gagging. “So what’s in the case?” he asked. Tom put his hand on a briefcase that he had brought with him. ”Your finished costume.” “Can I see it?” Mike asked eagerly. “After I show you something else.” The intercom from the front of the car buzzed. “We’re here, sir,” the driver said. Tom grinned, opened his door and got out of the limo. Mike opened his own door and stood up. As soon as he left the air conditioned confines of the limo, Mike could smell smoke from the wildfires. He glanced north towards the mountains and saw the horizon darkened by smoke and lightened by fire. The limo was double parked on a small street just off of a much larger street called Fairfax. An SUV trying to turn right from Fairfax honked. The SUV driver, a young blond woman, decided to drive between the limo and the line of parked cars on the other side. She barely made it, with an inch or two on either side. “Where are we?” Mike asked. “Hollywood,” Tom said. “My favorite newsstand.” The newsstand took up about the entire distance along the building between the large street and the alley behind it. Thousands of magazines and newspapers were on display. A fat man with thinning hair sat behind a small stand with a cash register. Tom started grabbing magazines from a section that included People Magazine, US Weekly, and other celebrity gossip rags. Mike saw a section of comic books. He hadn’t been an active comics reader for a few years, but when he was younger he had devoured as many as he could buy. He saw the latest issue of The Protectors, Captain Galaxy, and even Swamp Sally. “Take what you want,” Tom said, coming up behind Mike. “I’ll buy.” ***** Mike mentally stepped on the gas, making himself fly as fast as possible. He headed straight for the buzzing guy, hoping to put a fist into the annoying pest’s face and see whether that would stop his buzzing. The buzzing man was an expert flyer, though. He looped and changed directions so fast it was very hard to keep up with him. Mike contorted his body and flung himself through the sky attempting to catch up. At least they left behind the heat guy. He could fly too, but was not as fast as either Mike or the buzzing man. Soon Mike was pursuing the buzzing guy low to the ground, over the heads of fire fighters on the ground. The fire fighters didn’t even look up, they just kept doing their jobs. Mike chased the buzzing man up the very steep side of a mountain. Everything down there was on fire. Soon Mike was as hot as if the heat villain was blasting him again, but this was just the effect of a wildfire turning the trees and grass of the mountainside into deadly flame. Then the buzzing guy changed direction again, heading down the mountain. Mike didn’t see where he had gone because smoke was in his eyes and making him choke. What did this guy call himself? Mike wondered. Bee Boy? Buzz Lad? The Buzzer? He caught a glimpse of the flying figure very far down the hill. He’s not getting away that easy, Mike thought. As he got closer, Mike could see that the heat guy had flown closer and was waiting down near the bottom of the mountain. What was he? Oven Man? The Human Barbecue? The heat of the fires and from earlier blasts from the heat villain were making him sweat hard. These two had to be taught that no one messes with Sun Man. He saw the buzz guy fly over and disappear behind a huge boulder. The boulder was about twenty feet tall. Mike started to maneuver around it. The enormous rock rose into the air. Someone was lifting it. What the hell? For just a moment, Mike saw the person who was lifting the boulder. She was enormous herself, maybe eight feet tall. She wore a ragged dress and she was shouting something that Mike couldn’t understand. Mike didn’t have much time to wonder about this new villain, er, villainess. He was too worried about the boulder, which she threw at him at great speed. Mike flew head first into the monstrous flying rock. ***** “Look at this,” Tom said. They were back in the limo. Tom had told Andy to drive in circles around Hollywood while they talked. Mike took the magazine that Tom offered him. The title in large letters said SUPER SENSATIONS!! A picture of Graviton and Force, leaders of The Protectors, adorned the cover. A caption said “A SUPER DIVORCE ON THE WAY?” “So?” Mike asked. “I never read these magazines.” “You should.” Tom pointed to a circle on the magazine cover with a smaller picture in it. “That’s me,” Mike said with shock. It was a photo of his head, in the first costume with the mirrored sunglasses. A small caption said “NEWEST HERO NEEDS FASHION RESCUE.” “Now look at page fifteen,” Tom said, grinning. Page fifteen had a full length shot of Sun Man, from the time Mike posed for photographers after rescuing the women from the sweat shop fire. A blurb at the top read: Newest hunky hero Sun Man made his first appearance without his blazing light obscuring his costume. Who knew that even superheroes can have wardrobe malfunctions? “This is in a national magazine?” Mike asked, feeling horribly embarrassed. Tom nodded. “Keep reading.” The rest of the page had arrows pointing to different parts of his body, with comments next to the arrows. “Heroically ignoring common sense,” one said, pointing to the strap that held the sunglasses on, “SM put this unsightly strap on over his mask instead of under it!!” Another arrow pointed to Mike’s ankle, where the material of the costume had come loose. The comment was “Didn’t Mommy finishing sewing his costume?” Mike groaned to himself. The pins that the seamstress had used must have come out as he flew. “I saved people’s lives!” Mike blurted out. “That’s more important than this crap!” “Not to the magazines and TV shows. You’re being watched now, Mike. Every time you go out in public in that costume everything you do has to be perfect.” There were several more, but the one that caught Mike’s attention was an arrow that pointed at his crotch. The caption said, “At least we know that Sun Man is all MAN!” “What does that mean?” Mike asked, pointing at the caption. Tom opened the briefcase. “Here is your costume,” he said. He handed Mike a folded white piece of cloth. It seemed too small to fit. “You step into the legs and pull them up, then pull the top part over your head. The top fastens to the legs with these buttons here.” Tom showed Mike some tiny buttons. “This is the best way to get the traditional superhero look but make it easy to put on without help. The buttons have been field tested in thousands of battles. They won’t come undone until you undo them yourself.” “Okay,” Mike asked, but what about...” “The mask is built in to the costume, it’s not a separate piece that can be pulled off easily. Any villain that wants to know your secret identity will have to undress you completely. The mirrored goggles are now built in also, they are not just sunglasses. And here are the shoes.” “I asked about the arrow pointing to my crotch here.” “Last thing,” Tom said. He pulled a pair of underwear out of the briefcase. He pulled on them to show that they stretched and retracted. “This will keep your package, um, well packaged. Nothing hanging out for the world to see.” Mike looked again at the picture of Sun Man. Right where the arrow pointed, he could see a bulge.
“Oh, jeez,” he said. “Saving lives is exciting, isn’t it?” Tom asked. Don’t worry, this elastic underwear keeps things under control. They’re standard issue. No hero wants jokes told on late night TV about his super penis.” “All right,” Mike said, feeling the heat of a blush, and looking away so Tom wouldn’t see. “Now, about the comics you bought.” Tom said. “How would you like to see a Sun Man comic on the stands soon? We’re already working on a deal.” “What?” Mike stammered, “But - they’re based on real adventures, and I haven’t had any yet.” “I thought only ten year olds still believed that,” Tom said. “Writers write them. Writers can come up with a lot better stuff than what really happens. The important thing to know about comic books, and movies and TV and toys and video games and all that crap, is that licensing of their image is what keeps most heroes in business. “ “Heroes aren’t supposed to take money - “ Mike started, but Tom’s expression stopped him. “I’m being stupid again,” he said. “Your a hero now,” Tom said. “Heroing is a business. You need to learn how things really work.” Mike nodded miserably. “Andy, stop the car,” Tom said into the intercom. The limo pulled over to the curb. “C’mon, kid, I’ll buy you lunch.” Mike got out and saw Tom join a long line in front of an ordinary looking hot dog stand. “People line up for a hot dog stand?” He said over the roof of the limo. Tom shook his head. “It’s not just a hot dog stand. It’s Pink’s. You’ll see.” Mike closed the limo door, but then opened it again. He leaned into the car and grabbed his new costume, making sure to get the shoes and the elastic underwear. He bundled them up so no one could see what they were. Closing the limo door again, Mike walked around the back of it to the sidewalk. Two more people were now in line behind Tom. “Come on, kid,” Tom said. Mike hesitated a moment, clutching the balled up costume. He glanced towards the smoky horizon where ordinary men and women were fighting the fires and Tom didn’t want Mike to help. Mike turned to his right and ran down the street. ***** Running head first into a many-ton boulder didn’t hurt as much as Mike thought it would. In fact, the boulder was the loser in the encounter. It exploded into a million pieces as Mike tumbled through their shared airspace. Whatever power it was that protected Mike from bullets and other projectiles while his light was shining made short work of the huge rock. Mike was so surprised by this that he lost his concentration and his light went out. Fire fighters on the ground watched a bright light collide with the boulder, the boulder fly apart into shards and dust, and a man clad in a white costume fall away towards the ground. The world spun around Mike as he tried to recover control of his powers as well as his tumbling body. The Hollywood sign went around and around as if it had broken loose from its perch on the side of the mountain and decided to fly free. Mike had just seconds to turn his light and his powers back on before the ground came up to meet him. Without the light, it would be ordinary, fragile Mike Santis, not Sun Man, who impacted the dirt and rocks. The approaching buzzing sound didn’t catch Mike’s attention, he was so busy trying to clear his head and find his light. He did notice the impact as the buzzing man rammed into him. Actually, it hurt like hell. Laughter trailed away along with the buzzing sound as the villain flew away. The bastard was enjoying himself. He wasn’t the only one. From another direction, Mike felt a blast of heat. He felt like a chicken in a rotisserie as he spun in the air and the heat sizzled on his skin. The red and orange clad man was in the air nearby directing heat at Mike. The sound of buzzing was coming back. Mike didn’t want to take another hit. He finally found the light switch in his head and the glow of Sun Man sprang up all around him. The buzzing man was coming at Mike again, but he suddenly sheared off. It’s as if he knows not to touch me when the light is on, Mike thought. How could he know that? Another oven blast came from behind, and Mike turned to find the heat guy right behind him. Close enough that Mike could have landed a punch right in the man’s face. Before he could actually do it, the heat guy flew straight up, out of Mike’s vision. While Mike was puzzling about that, a car slammed into him. The car didn’t hurt him any more than the boulder had, but once again he lost his light. The car fell away and as Mike dropped towards the ground again he saw the giantess standing nearby. How did she get there so fast? The buzzing man hit him in the back this time. Mike groaned in pain. He couldn’t think. His light wouldn’t come. He was hit twice more. Tom was right. Mike wasn’t ready for this at all. Fighting villains was a lot harder than it seemed in comic books. He had to get out of there, back to the Society building. They could protect him there. That is, if he survived that long. With a tremendous mental effort, Mike found the light and turned it on. This time he just flew, with as much speed as he could summon, towards the tall buildings of downtown. Faster than he could have thought possible, he was among those buildings. He weaved around them, trying to remember exactly where the Society building was. Everything looked different from the air. Even with the light on, Mike felt the blows he had received. He might have cracked ribs, or worse. He needed to rest, he needed to hide. As he flashed by one building, he saw a human figure walking easily up it’s outside wall. Long dark hair hung down behind her, towards the distant ground. Someone he knew! Mike flew up to her and hovered in the air. “Mireya,” he said, “I need help.”
She didn’t seem at all surprised. “Of course, Mike,” she said.
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